A handy list of things you need to know before you go to the hospital in China, from an expat who works in one. Bonus awful Chinese hospital stories included: Going to the hospital in China – A few tips for medical emergencies in the middle kingdom

How Beijing ensures that Mainland tourists to Taiwan are influenced as little as possible, and how Taiwanese hosts view their Mainland guests:

As Chinese Visit Taiwan, the Cultural Influence Is Subdued
“their tour guide called an impromptu meeting in the airport departure lounge. He warned them about littering, spitting, flooding hotel bathroom floors — and the local cuisine. ‘Our Taiwanese brothers do not like salt, oil and MSG the way we do,’ the guide, Guo Xin, said with a sigh.

Then his voice grew serious… Do not talk about politics with the locals, he warned, say only positive things about Taiwan and China, and by all means avoid practitioners of F@lun G0ng… ‘They will definitely try to talk to you,” he said. “When that happens, get away as fast as you can.’”

It’s fun when you can get a joke in another language, even if it is middle school potty humour. I’ve come across this joke before, and it’s a funny demonstration of the pronunciation differences between Chinese and English.

The dialogue in English and Chinese (with mouseover pinyin) is below the video clip:

Kid: [Mouth] 猫屎！ Cat poo!
Teacher: 对！ Correct!
Kid: [Earth] 耳屎！ Earwax!
Teacher: 好！ Good!
Kid: [Bees] 鼻屎！ Snot!
Teacher: 最后一个！ Last one!
Kid: [Last] 拉屎！ Go poo!
Teacher: 全答对了！ 拉完屎之后呢……？ All answered correctly! And after going poo…?
Kid: [Yes] 爷死！ Grandpa dies!
Kid: [Nice] 奶死！ Grandma dies!
Teacher: OK!
Kid: [Bus] 爸死！ Dad dies!
Teacher: 哦，好！ Oh, great!
Kid: [Knees] 你死！ You die!
Teacher: 嗯 Mmm-hmm.
Kid: [Was] 我死！ I die!
Teacher: 好！
Kid: [Does] 都死！ All die!
Teacher: 都死之后？ After everybody dies?
Kid: [One dollar] 完蛋了！ (We’re) doomed! [lit. "The egg is done"; fig. "We're done for/doomed/finished/toast".]
Teacher: 全答对了！ All answered correctly!

Coffee may be a status symbol, but that’s not the only reason it’s conspicuously expensive in China. A long-time East Asian business pro takes a closer look at the different kinds of corruption (“gifts” for officials to just do their jobs, and bribes for illegal favours) that plague businesses in China and result in higher prices for consumers: Corruption and the Price of Coffee in China.

Chinese ways of showing interest, care or concern for someone often take the form of unsolicited advice about things foreigners consider very personal, usually with humourous (if the foreigners are well-adjusted) or tearful (if they’re not) results. Here’s what one of my bald coworkers received in a Chinese Valentine’s Day card from one of our students:

I had an experience of touching your head. It was not slipped as I imagined. but it was nice. At last, I have a suggestion: lose some weight! You’ll more handsome, no the most handsome if you lose your weight!

Have a baby soon.

For more about this quirky (to us) Chinese way of showing interest, care or concern see:

• Please Stop Paying Attention to My…
• 关心 talk – so offensive it’s funny
• A Foreign Baby in Tianjin Pt. 1 – is this our future?
• “You’d better put socks on that baby or else…”

Our friend Rob is the only foreigner accompanying a group of Mainlanders from Nankai University on an academic/tourist trip to Taiwan. He’s blogging it all, and in this post writes about some of his Mainland Chinese classmates’ first impressions of Taiwanese people and society: “Yesterday when we were hiking back down a different mountain, we passed several people coming up who nodded and said hello. The first time this happened, we got no more than ten feet past them before Xuebin turned to me and said, with astonishment, “They don’t even know us! I can’t believe they’re saying hello!” It wasn’t an expression of distaste, but rather of amazement. How could ordinary people be so friendly, with no strings attached?”

And in a later post: “Xuebin then told me something extraordinary. Dr. Ma, the teacher, had apparently been approached by a representative from the Nankai University Marxism department, and asked to give a short lecture to the students assuring them that Taiwan isn’t nearly as nice as it seems. The clean streets and nice air and friendly people are all just illusions that were put on to impress mainland visitors. Actually, Taiwan is a very dark place that lacks the wisdom and enlightened guidance of the mainland government. Dr. Ma, appalled, declined. I was appalled, too. Who wouldn’t be?

“But that’s how deeply this visit has affected my mainland friends. None of them want to go back… Students have come here and, in large part, have seen what the mainland could have been. They’ve seen what a Chinese society is like when culture is preserved and people are free to read and discuss what they like.”

Pronounced: máomao chóng
Literally: hair-hair worm
Means: caterpillar

And here’s a Chinese translation with English and pinyin mouseover pop-up of the classic children’s book “The Very Hungry Caterpillar“.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to visit someone under house arrest in China (who’s allowed visitors), here’s a translated first-hand account:

“I pressed 9 button for the 9th floor, someone immediately began to examine us with an investigative look. I avoided that suspicious eye-contact… As soon as I came out of the elevator, I was stunned as I was already facing a desk with an appointment book with visitors’ names and their IDs. Obviously, this place has been turned into a formal mini-office and I found this both funny and annoying. A policewoman stood at the side of desk and was ready for the confrontation. When she saw my eyesight turned right in search of Tianming’s door, she seemed to know that we were visitors instead of tenants on the 9th floor. So the questioning started…

“Tianming is receiving the highest standard of the house arrest as both the police and DSPS agents not only have the office desks, they also have foldable beds. It is said only security guards and doorkeepers are hired for regular members of the church and they have only camp chairs and recliners.
“For Tianming … seeing so many brothers and sisters of Shouwang Church … detained, interrogated, released each week and seeing so many people forced to move or fired from jobs, it is more miserable and harder to endure than if he experienced these himself. Now, …the sheep are being beaten but the shepherds cannot stand out to fend off the blows. It is hard to describe in words how heart-wrenching it is to see all this happening around him.”
[Link: Visit to Pastor Jin Tianming.]

“as is often the case with China’s data, not all is what it seems. The crucial point is that rural residents can move to the city, but without an urban residence permit—known as an urban hukou—they are confined to the margins of city life. According to Professor Kam Wing Chan, an expert on China’s urbanization at the University of Washington, the share of China’s population that has urban residence rights is around 35%, substantially below the 50% of the population that live in the cities.” From Big Questions About China’s Urban Legend

This is our second time coming back to Canada after extended time in China. This time (unlike the first time), slipping back into driving and biking has been easy. I haven’t messed up traffic patterns yet like last time, even though I’ve been biking to work and driving other places for a month now. But one aspect of Canadian — or at least suburban greater Vancouver — that has really stood out to me this time is right-of-way, particularly crosswalks.

Right of way in Tianjin, China is simple:

1. If you are in the way, you have right of way. Lights and crosswalks are basically decorations.*
2. Size + speed + honking = in the way, even if you’re technically just on the way.

But in Canada, if you’re in the crosswalk, you’re golden. You’re king of the road. Your apparently inviolable right of way extends as far as the crosswalk stripes. You can take your sweet time. I’ve even had drivers wanting to turn right stop and wait because they saw me approaching the crosswalk. I have to wave and smile every time; I can’t get over it. I’ve yet to get honked at, and I don’t know what it would take: maybe sit down in the middle and start texting?

Anyway, that’s probably the first big impression I’ve had this time coming back (aside from the air, trees, mountains, friendliness, cleanliness, orderliness, tastiness, safety-ness, expensiveness, and extreme-to-the-point-of-unconscious-Orwellian-levels-of-hypocrisy political correctness). And the handicapped stuff. There’s way more accommodation here. The buses lower on hydraulics so elderly and physically disabled people can step up, and if that’s not good enough a ramp folds out! Crazy.

*(P.S. – I should note that this seems to be changing. I’ve seen traffic both improve dramatically and devolve noticeably during our years in Tianjin. So when in doubt, follow the locals, if you dare.)

Related reverse-culture stress and comparative traffic stuff:

• Today’s commute by the numbers
• How to: Confuse the traffic in your hometown
• How to: Ride a Bike in China (Part 2)
• How to: Ride a bike in Tianjin (Part 1)
• Tianjin street market dash (video)
• Crossing the street (Pt. 1)
• Joining the Bike Armies of Tianjin
• Stayin’ Alive Part 2: Learning to cross the street
• Homecoming Saboteur: the cultural shock of returning home (PART 2)
• Homecoming Saboteur: the cultural shock of returning home
• How China changed me forever
• Temporary return to Vancouver – Day 5