Well, it’s Chou-chou here again. My apologies for, and a brief explanation of, my long absence in posting on the big cat’s blog. It began this summer, when the big cats departed for Cat-nada, leaving me to room with Doodoo. In spite of his hairlessness, Doodoo actually turned out to be a pretty decent old chap (a little stuffy, but otherwise alright). We actually got along pretty well. However, we didn’t want his big cats to suspect that we might be okay roomies, so we put up a good show of dislike and held a perpetual stand-off between us. Apparently, we were pretty convincing too….within three days, I had been returned to my own home, under the care of a new big cat.

Unfortunately, it turned out that the new big cat prefers dogs and birds and was not-so-fond of small cats. She was okay, but I sank into a depression that didn’t lift until my own big cats returned from the far reaches of Cat-nada. I didn’t even write any haiku during this time period, and my opinion pieces were decidedly dark and satirical in nature. Overall, I would’ve preferred to stay with Doodoo. What a relief when the big cats returned, and I was able to resume my rightful sleeping place in their bed and have my every need attended to by cat-lovers. I whined at them for almost a month solid, as a means of claiming my revenge for having been left so long. Eventually, we all got settled back into our old patterns and routines. It was wonderful and I started to contemplate my next post on the blog.

However, believe it or not, this has been my first opportunity to sneak onto the blog in months! The big cats were MAJOR computer hogs from September all the way through December, claiming that they had too much homework. HA! I know the truth…I saw both of them playing on kittenwar.com multiple times. To their credit, they were trying to find my picture, and vote me as cutest kitten in the world. Not that a vote is needed, as the truth is self-evident…but I appreciate their loyalty. The amount of whining I’ve had to put up with from them has been insufferable, and definitely a testimony to my patient and tolerant nature. Most other cats would’ve shredded their books, chewed their computer cables, or slashed their faces while they were sleeping in an attempt to make the whining stop.

Recently, there has been another new cat added to the house. This kitten is a little odd….hardly a proper tail, sneezes all the time (especially under the blankets at night), and what a name! “Fire Chicken,” said in any language, is hardly a proper name for a kitten. But what can you expect from big cats that named me after the aroma of a certain popular food here in Taiwan? I really think they need to learn more Chinese, so that they can begin picking better names for their small cats. Anyway, after an initiation period, in which I had to teach the new kitten everything of importance (tail chasing, playing, covering one’s evidence in the litter box, proper form for haiku), I’ve decided she’s okay (though I’m not sharing the password to the blog). I’m not sure how permanent the arrangement is for her to live here, but for now she keeps me company while the big cats are away all day long. Plus, I now have somebody closer to my own size to wrestle with and bite. It’s kind of fun tearing around the house and stomping all over the big cats while they’re trying to sleep.

So that’s an account of my life for the last few months. Thanks to my loyal readers who kept inquiring as to my whereabouts. Don’t forget to vote for me on kittenwar.com. As a Christmas gift to you, here are two haiku. One from my poetic prodigy, Fire Chicken, and one from myself.

Here is Fire Chicken’s (she shows promise, doesn’t she?):

I think that one has to do with her stealthy, slimy sneezes on the big cats at night under the blankets. And here’s my own, an attempt to reflect the peaceful holiday ambience of our household, now that the big cats have stopped their whining and Fire Chicken is keeping me company. Here goes:

Happy Holidays!

Okay, so from a cats-eye view, there’s been a whole lot of WEIRD activity going on around here lately. The big cats have been extra busy…the weirdest thing has probably been all the cleaning! That’s when I really knew that something was up….usually, they’ll do the dishes a few times a week and sweep the floor every once in a while. But not this week….noooooo. They’ve been moving around furniture, doing extra laundry, sweeping, scrubbing, mopping….they even brought in this orange scary monster with a trunk like an elephant to help out with the cleaning. That thing reached under the bed and the dresser and sucked my dust bunny collection into oblivion.

So I started eavesdropping and paying closer attention to see if I could figure out what was behind all of this unusual activity. Here’s what I found out…and boy are my hackles raised!

The big cats are taking off to some wonderful magic place called “Cat-nada” for a few months and they’re not planning on taking me with them. I don’t get it…with a name like that, it seems like the kind of place I could enjoy.

But that’s not the worst of it. They’ve made arrangements with “The Boss” for me to stay at his house. If they think I’m living with Doo-doo, the hairless wonder cat, for two months….they’re off their rockers. He may be some kind of fancy-schmancy show cat, but he wouldn’t recognize a good haiku if it came up and bit him on his hairless rump.

So, I’m devising a plan. Actually, I’ve already devised a few…and the big cats have already foiled a couple of them.

Here goes:

Plan A – “Fake Sick”: Help out with the cleaning. “Accidentally” ingest some of the cleaning products. This should make me sick enough that the big cats will feel bad, cancel their trip, and stay here to nurse me back to health. And beg for forgiveness for trying to leave in the first place.

Unfortunately, they foiled this one. They noticed that my paws got coated with the cleaning stuff and that I was starting to lick it. So not only did they wreck my plan, but they also subjected me to the ultimate humiliation…they bathed me!

Plan 2 – “Look Cute”: I discovered that my apartment won’t be empty while the big cats are gone. Some other big cat is moving in and was scheduled to bring her bags to the apartment today. So, I planned to look extra cute (I even washed behind my ears, and pretended that I was sleeping on the couch when she arrived), calm, and cuddly in hopes that she might offer to keep me while the big cats are away.

Unfortunately, this one was foiled too. Apparently, the new big cat is “not really a cat person.” She likes DOGS and BIRDS!!! and she doesn’t like cats because they kill birds. In a way, I’m glad this plan didn’t work out…I’m not sure I could live with someone loony enough to prefer a brainless bird over a cat.

Plan C – “Sneaky Stowaway”: This plan is simple. Climb in the suitcases while they’re packing, and hope they don’t notice. Then when they reach Cat-nada — Surprise!!! Chou chou’s here!

Foiled again. Not only did they notice when I tried to hide in the suitcase, but then they proceeded to pack the suitcases so tight that there’s no room for me. Dangit.

Plan 4 – “Nine Inch Nails”: (haven’t gotten to try this yet, but I think it’ll work) It seems to me that if the big cats don’t have suitcases, they can’t fly anywhere. After I finish this post, I think I’ll test my claws on their luggage and see if I can shred it to smithereens before dawn. Wish me luck.

I’m not sure that I can handle going to live with a cat that has a mullet. But if plan 4 doesn’t work and I’m stuck with Doo doo…I can take comfort in several things which are definite advantages in the competition for attention.

1. I’m cute.
2. I’m still a kitten.
3. I have all of my fur.

Chou chou here…

I’m forgoing my nightly routine of shredding toilet paper and chasing dust bunnies around the apartment. Now that the big cats have wandered off to bed, the computer is mine, so I’ll take this chance to post some birthday greetings!

During the hours when the big cats disappear every day, I mostly sit around with my eyes shut thinking up new haiku to pass the hours. These are for the tallest big cat:

Fluttering, cats melt.
Eagerness melts the woman.
A hunting spice walks.

Happy hostile cat.
Calm blue oceans create waves.
Psychology nut.

Happy Birthday!

Chou-chou here.

The big cats have gone to bed. I overheard them snickering and laughing a few minutes ago. When I got into their computer, I found… THIS!

I’m not sure whether to laugh, or cry, or go throw up now. In any case, I’ll be on my best behaviour for the next few days!

Hi…I have to make this fast, because the big cats are due home any minute. I’ve been watching them for weeks now, trying to figure out how to hack into their blog and leave a few comments of my own. It’s been a little frustrating, because every time I get close to their keyboards…they hiss at me and chase me away. I guess they don’t realize that kittens are a little near-sighted and have to get really close to read the screen.

Meanwhile, instead of remaining frustrated at my inability to access the big cat’s blog, I started leaving a few “comments” of my own around the place. Things like tearing up chunks of toilet paper and leaving them all around the house, meowing incessantly the minute I hear the keys in the door, making them think that I’m “fishing” in the toilet, hopping in the shower with them and then prancing all over the one that’s still asleep with my wet paws, waking them up at 3 am by sitting on their heads, or biting that soft tender spot right above the elbow (or right behind the knee). You’d think they would’ve gotten my message by now…but boy, these big cats are DENSE. I mean…getting in the shower isn’t easy for a kitten, y’know…but they seem to think I actually LIKE it, instead of considering the deeper meanings behind my actions. Hey! Did ya ever think this might be an act of creative civil disobedience? I’m fighting for the rights of all oppressed kittens to post their opinions (and poetic musings) where the whole world can see ‘em.

Anyway, enough venting. Pretend you never read all of that and continue to think of me as cute and harmless, please! So yesterday, I was reading over the female cat’s shoulder and finally caught the password to this joint. It’s about time! Now I had to find a few moments where the computer was unguarded and the big cats weren’t around.

Today, I finally got my chance. I logged on (it took a few tries…it’s hard to type with only 4 furry fingers) and discovered that in the five weeks I’ve lived here, the big cats have only written one post about me. Ingrates! I do a lot around here – entertain them by chasing around that stupid feather thing they brought home and biting my own tail, rearranging their papers on the coffee table, keeping their laps warm, making their apartment more fashionable (those cowboy couches are hideous, but I’m giving them special treatments to give them the “distressed” look). And for all that, only ONE post and one page of five week old photos. Half the cats reading this blog probably don’t even realize that I now have a NAME, much less my own opinions about things around here.

So let me introduce myself. The big cats call me “Chou-chou”…and I guess that name will do for you, my loyal readers…because if I told you my real name (which not even the big cats know), I’d hafta…um, well, let’s just say that it wouldn’t be pretty. To the casual observer, it probably looks like I spend most of the day asleep. But the casual observer is wrong….I never sleep. What passes for kittenish slumber is actually a deep state of creative reverie and composition. I am a writer and though my moments at the keyboard are scarce (the big cats are MAJOR computer hogs), myriad compositions swirl in my brain. Opinion pieces and Haiku, mostly. The opinion pieces are too long to post tonight, but in my last stolen moments here I’ll leave you with four of my favorite haiku to date.

And with that, I must away! I hear the male cat’s heavy paws pounding up the stairs. I’ll post again, as the opportunity presents itself. Until then, I hope that the big cat’s inane ramblings don’t bore you to tears.

p.s. I overhead the big cats talking about someone named “The Boss” and his cat Doo Doo. Apparently Doo Doo is getting shaved tomorrow. I almost threw up when I heard that….it’s so barbaric, but at least it gives me fodder for my next opinion piece. Hope the big cats don’t get any ideas!
p.p.s. I also snuck the camera while they were away. My latest photos are here!